me now

i am doing the best that i cn right now..i think..based on the update from day-to-day that i've done,it seems that i gave in to my feelings this week..i was rather fine the week before..but this week has been tough..i just hope i cn pull this off..i hope i cn do this..some of them said i cn do it..some have their doubts..well certain times i have confidence in myself..but like yesterday i just dont..i am going to do this..once and for all..i cn do this..

its been a while

it has been awhile since i last post something on this blog..and it has been awhile since i wrote something about him..dont want to ponder on it i guess..but i do need to get this weight out of my mind..ok..so..i once told him this..i cannot let go of him unless he lets go of me..coz im not strong enough to do that..i dont want to..yet..i still want to cling on him..as long as i can..to be by his side..as long as i can..and the next day he told me that..he still cant let go of me..so thats how it is right now..but recently it seems he has been quite clod towards me..ok..i understand that he have exams..and he needed to concentrate on studying..but even after the exams it still continued..i..gave up..to trying to connect with him..actually i gave up the week before he had his exams..coz at that time he didnt seemed like he wanted to do anything with me..so much..he still had evernthing his way..he's doing everything at his own pace..the way he wanted it..he just couldnt care less about everything else..i know that much long time ago..its just that..it sucks real damn bad just when he knew i wanted to spend more time with him..i mean he couldnt even looked interested when im with him..i just dont seem to fit in his own little world..i gave up..on everything that includes him..yes..i may be still bound to him..but i guess its not as strong as it is before..i dont have the enthusiatism(i know i spell this wrong,well..screw me) to tell him anything anymore..i have nothing to share with him..im just an outsider..i was before..i am now..and i will still be in the future..i dont know if our paths will cross in the future..but now..there's no hope in us..i know this since before..and i know he knows..well..he knows his feelings better than me..so of course he would know..

prayer

God help me...lead me out of this misery...give me strength to walk on this road i've chosen...so that i'll not astray from the path that i'm suppose to tread on...God help me...amin...

haihh..

betting it all in the fate's hand..it seems that is the best way..i always hope for this to go along the normal way..but then again..u yourself are not normal..so of course we cant go by normal means do we?ever since i know u..i can never stop caring bout u..is that a good thing?or a bad thing?i wonder why the attraction is soo strong?even though countless times i've been hurt..but still..i dont seem to learn my lesson..just thinking bout this whole thing is a pain in the ass..i guess ill just go with the flow..i wonder where itll take me though..aiyoyo..

...

am i the only one who wants this?i know already..from the start..im in this alone..but still..it kinda hurts when im told things that shows that im in this alone..is it so wrong for me to want to meet him?is it so wrong for me to miss him?is it so wrong for me to want to walk with him?is it so wrong for me to hang out with him?is it so wrong for me to want all this things?we dont have that much time do we?so why cant u put up with me for a bit?we both know that this thing will end no matter what..so is it so wrong for me to make it as memorable for me as i want it to be?am i asking too much from u?tell me if i am..if all this is a bother to u then please tell me..so that i can stop all this pestering that u dislike..am i really asking too much from u?i know..its pointless to hope for anything from u..u said that yourself..i dont intend to hope much..its just..i want to make it as memorable as i can..is it too much to ask?