him

bismillah..

assalamualaikum..

suddenly i have this urge to write.i was thinking while ironing my mom's clothes.my mind ran wild.at times, i just suddenly remembered.i remembered those times.i was listening to my playlist in my android via earphone.i listened to a love song entitled jar of hearts by Christina Perri. and i thought, i could relate to hurtful love songs very well.but not happy or romantic love songs.i wondered why.yes,i know why..because of those times.

the hurtful love songs out weight the happy-sappy-romantic love songs.do i regret all those times?the answer is no,i don't.you know why?because i learnt and grew out of those times.before,we used to be in tune.we had the same wavelength.our frequencies were the same.however,as time passed by,i could no longer 'called' out to him.he did not hear my 'calls'.maybe he could not.why?maybe because we were not in tune as we used to be.of course it broke my heart.then i thought, he's not for me.

i used to think that he's The One.no one can understand me like he does.but if that is true, then why??!why didn't he answered my 'calls' when i desperately 'called' to him.i was in tears,'calling' to him countless times, foolishly.but he didn't answer me.he stopped answering to my 'calls'.and i stopped 'calling'.so i thought, is he really the one for me?then i reminiscent of those times.during those times, the ups and downs, did i get closer to Him?the answer is no,i didn't. can i still think him as The One?i doubt that.i may had very deep feelings for him but it would not mean anything if its not because of Him.at times,when i remembered those times,my heart hurts sometimes.

someone once said,why,even though you had broke up for a long time but you still remember him or even when you broke up, you got back together, but then you broke up again and it continues indefinitely.why? that person asked.when that person, a lady whose face soothes whoever seeing it, told everyone the answer,i stared at the carpet,hanging my head in shame.i could not look at her face even though she could not see me in the sea of humans.that face which is so pure cannot be tainted by my eyes which had sinned because of those times.not only my eyes, my mouth, my ear, my hands, my legs and regretfully even my scarred heart were all tainted with sins because of those times.

her answer pierced through my heart.she said softly, it's because when you broke up, you didn't let go sincerely. basically it means you didn't even want to let go of him!my heart hurt so much that night. that's why when i want to move on, i pray to Him,

Ya Allah..tolonglah Ya Allah..bantulah aku untuk lepaskan dia pergi dengan seikhlas hatiku Ya Allah.. berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk lepaskan dia pergi Ya Allah.. sesungguh hanya Engkau yang lebih mengetahui apa yang terbaik untukku.. amin..

a story to be shared..a story that had been kept silent..a burden that has been released..a fog that has been cleared..read and heed..